Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse

I hate almost everything about my job.  In fact, it sucks so horribly bad that all the glowing reviews I get don’t make me feel any less likely to get canned at the drop of a hat.  Very healthy, happy working environment we have.  Could be worse though…

My mom is in the hospital right now having just been diagnosed with COPD, which basically means her lungs are sick and won’t ever fully heal again so she has to carry oxygen with her everywhere she goes.  She’s also got some other nasty lung infection but they’re not sure what it is yet.  It landed her in the hospital for the first time a year ago next month.  She’s in bad shape this time.  Her oxygen level was dangerously low.  I’m afraid we’re not going to have her around much longer unless she makes significant effort towards taking care of herself and living a healthy lifestyle.  It’s hard to watch someone you love die.

Leading and chilling

I had a decent day at work.  The place is a disaster of epic proportions as I imagine many big businesses are; poor communication, lack of direction and impossible work loads, all of which are supported by countless homegrown IT systems that are inadequately configured and woefully integrated.  Then there’s the fact that unskilled and untrained people, some smart and some stupid, are left to band aid the systems together in a fashion that would even scare MacGyver.  Fix one piece, break two others.  The finger in the dike scenario is the norm.  It gets frustrating to say the least and I wish I had the power to change it but one man can’t do everything. 

Today I asked my manager and a few of my staff members what value they thought I brought to the table.  I often ask for constructive criticism but don’t get much so this was my attempt to put them on the spot and elicit a better response.  They told me that they thought I was doing a great job; I provide direction and guidance in a chaotic world in which neither usually exists.  In that respect, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do by taking on the position.  I’m giving people a map and pointing them north, west, south or east while seldom spinning them in circles and rarely making them chase their tails.

Apparently my only shortcomings are that I need to have a little more self confidence as I push my people forward into the unknown.   I need to stress out less or at least hide it better.  My mentor and I came up with sign that she does in meetings when it looks like I might be having a melt down to warn me to chill out.  I definitely need to calm down.  Otherwise, I’m apparently doing a very good job and I have no other room to improve.  Maybe a little more delegation but I’m learning that and getting better as time goes on.  I just need to maintain control of myself, have confidence in my actions and decisions and not show my fears or stress.  It rubs off and the last thing anyone wants to see is their boss having a freak out.  I’m gonna work on it.

Doctor Time

Just got off the phone with my mom.  Gotta take her to the pulmologist tomorrow so that we can hopefully find out what’s wrong with her.  A paramedic recently said that her “goofiness” could be related to her low oxygen levels from whatever it is that she has.  I called her tonight to apologize for the talk we had today and to confirm her doctor appointment tomorrow.  Ever since she landed in the ER a few months ago, I’ve been taking the lead on her health issues.  I’m officially her POA and I try to be an advocate for her during her visits.  No one else wants anything to do with it.  I think they’re just scared of what they might learn.  My sister gets dizzy just being in a hospital.  She takes mom to the grocery story and I take mom to the doctor/hospital.  Seems like a fair trade to me since mom wants to go to the store everyday and only has to go to the doc about every two weeks.  Maybe we can figure out what’s wrong with her and get her back on her feet well enough to babysit again.  I’m not holding my breath but it’s a nice goal to have and it’ll help her to have some hope and something to work towards.

Sometimes you gotta say something that someone doesn’t wanna hear

I had a talk with my mom this afternoon.  After two and half years watching my nephew, it’s time for her to hang it up.  When Q came into this world, he breathed new life into my mother; she went from losing it several times a week to being lucid basically all the time.  Two plus years without so much as an incident but, like most things, it didn’t last.  Mom started losing it again recently; getting lost in stores, not being able to recount her days and basically just acting like a young child.  An adult that acts like a child shouldn’t be watching a toddler.

She didn’t want to hear what I had to say but it had to be said.  She would never forgive herself if something happened to him while she was watching him.  My sis would never forgive her either.  A lifetime of being a drug addict is finally catching up with her…again.  It’s hard having to talk to your mother like you’re the parent but a lot of things are hard.  I just hope that this doesn’t send her into a tail spin.  It helped her a lot having some responsibility over the past couple years and I know it made her feel important and gave her a reason to feel good about herself.  I hope she takes my advice and puts as much effort and care into taking care of herself as she did taking care of Q.  She worries about others too much.  I guess that’s probably where I get it.  My dad’s the exact opposite so I certainly didn’t get it from him.  Wish I was somewhere more in the middle.  Worrying never did anyone any good.

I worry about my mom and the rest of my family.  I worry about everything more than I should.  I need to work on that.  I need to practice what I preach even though it’s easier said than done.  Practice makes perfect.